How To Relate With Someone Who Does Not Want To Grow
This is a big question. Many growth seeking individuals find themselves in a relationship in which they seem to be the only one truly committed to growing into their own higher, loving nature; while their partner seems determined to blame, criticize and lash out for the internal pain of his / her own reactions. Here's a Lancer Answer to this all too common relationship dilemma.
We hear a lot these days about what a healthy relationship is. The essential nature of a healthy relationship is the quality of integrity that binds the two together. As long as I am being honest with myself and with you, I am going to be good for you. I am a healthy partner. When I slip into dishonesty with myself and with you, I am toxic for you.
The problem here is that no human on earth is always in integrity. Everyday we blame one another for our own internal reactions of irritability. In other words, we react with irritation and then make someone else responsible for how we react. How we react is what we are doing to ourselves about an event. So when we blame and lash out we are making it someone else’s job to prevent us from mistreating ourselves with reactions of irritation. We are then being dishonest with ourselves and with that other person. We are out of integrity.
Since entirely healthy relationships are, realistically speaking, out of reach, because none of us is perfectly free of our habit of blaming our partner for own painful reaction patterns, the best that we can hope for is a growing relationship. A growing relationship is one that is based on the sincere commitment of both partners to pursue liberation from the ways they hurt themselves.
Notice, I did NOT say that a growing relationship is based on seeking liberation from the ways we hurt our partner.
It is pointless to commit to liberating ourselves from the ways we hurt our partner as long as we persist in hurting ourselves. The only reason why we behave hurtfully toward another is because we ourselves are hurting, and we are blaming our hurt on the other person. Since all of the hurt we feel in a relationship is the product of our own hurtful reactions, the way to stop behaving unkindly toward another is to free ourselves from the inner pain we cause ourselves.
The more committed you are to gaining liberation from the ways that you hurt yourself with your reactions, the more impossible it becomes to remain in a close relationship with someone who is not approaching the relationship with the same commitment. If your partner insists on making you responsible for getting him out of his self-inflicted inner pain, or from preventing him from experiencing his self-inflicted inner pain, he is resisting his own growth. He does this by using his words, actions and emotional tactics as a battering ram aimed at knocking down your resistance to taking responsibility for him.
Taking responsibility for your own reactions in that kind of relationship means that you cease to play the role of the wall relative to his battering. Do not put yourself in the position to receive his assaults as long as he sees you as responsible for the assaults that he inflicts. There is no other path for your growth in that relationship. It must be let go of.
None of us are perfect at recognizing when we are blaming and attacking another person for our self-inflicted inner pain. We all slip into unconscious reaction patterns at times. But if we are dedicated to living a more awakened life, to accepting 100% responsibility for our responses, we are capable of being in a growing relationship. In fact, we are then in a growing relationship with everyone, including with those whom we must leave.
By making choices that are good for us we are strengthening our capacity to gain freedom from the painful internal reaction patterns that are bad for us. As we stop beating ourselves up with reactions of annoyance, impatience, frustration, fear, resentment and other forms of unhappiness we stop exposing ourselves to those who mistreat us and blame us for their conduct. We take it upon ourselves to work through our painful internal reactions until we get to the other side of them, which is a pure state of genuine inner peace and unconditional love and happiness, for that is our true nature. As we get through the conditioned painful internal response-patterns we learned since early childhood we re-become our own true self, which is not just loving, but is love itself.
A growing relationship is one in which both partners are committed to growing free from the internal patterns that prevent them from loving. If you are with someone who is committed to making you responsible for the inner pain he causes himself, your growth calls upon you to lose interest in fulfilling the role he offers you; to lose interest in his pain, as it were. This is not a demonstration of a lack of compassion. You are not being compassionate to a psychopath by allowing him to beat you over the head with a hammer, simply because in the moment it seems to please him for you to do so.
Until you demonstrate real compassion toward yourself you will feel compelled to lash out at others for your self-induced inner pain. To be truly compassionate with your partner begins with outgrowing the choices that cause your painful internal states that drive you to lash out at your partner. That means leaving or letting go of someone who believes it is his right to lash out at you.
For assistance in understanding and gaining freedom from your internal pain-patterns that keep you counting on people who believe it is their right to lash out at you, contact me to discuss my phone coaching. Your first session is complimentary.